In what can only be described as the NFL’s most baffling game plan to date, the Pittsburgh Steelers have announced they will be boycotting all Pride Nights going forward, following in the hallowed footsteps of the Kansas City Chiefs. The Steelers, a team historically known for their tough defense and ability to lose Super Bowls to teams they’re favored to beat, now find themselves entering an arena of controversy over rainbows, glitter, and the supposed satanic underpinnings of inclusivity.

At a press conference that felt more like a scene from a dystopian sitcom, Steelers head coach Mike Tomlin delivered the team’s official stance, stating, “We’re here to win football games, not promote a woke agenda. The presence of rainbows in our stadium is a distraction from the grit and determination that defines this team. It’s not football—it’s woke, and, quite frankly, satanic.”

The words “woke” and “satanic” hung in the air like an overthrown pass by a rookie quarterback, leaving everyone in the room unsure whether to laugh, cringe, or question their understanding of both football and theology.

This shocking move comes just days after the Kansas City Chiefs made headlines for their own announcement, declaring they would be boycotting Pride Nights because they “didn’t sign up for sparkles and social justice.” The Chiefs, apparently more concerned with the supernatural implications of rainbows than their own offensive line issues, set off a firestorm of debate. The Steelers, never one to be outdone when it comes to bizarre PR decisions, quickly followed suit, ensuring that their team, too, would stand firm against any and all things colorful.

“It’s about preserving the sanctity of football,” explained Steelers’ owner Art Rooney II, standing in front of a giant American flag, because nothing says ‘sanctity’ like draping yourself in stars and stripes. “Football is about hard hits, broken tackles, and a bone-deep fear of change. When people come to Heinz—excuse me, Acrisure Stadium—they should expect steel, not rainbows.”

One can only imagine the strategy meeting that led to this moment. Somewhere in the Steelers’ front office, an executive likely asked, “What’s our plan for inclusivity this season?” To which someone else probably responded, “Ignore it and call it satanic.”

While some Steelers fans took to social media to voice their support for the team’s decision, many others were left wondering if the entire franchise had somehow been transported back to the 1980s. Twitter (or X, if you’re still trying to make that rebrand happen) lit up with reactions ranging from confused memes to full-on rants.

“Wait, so now rainbows are satanic? Did I miss the memo where God gave Lucifer the rights to all vibrant colors?” tweeted @SteelCurtainUnicorn, a die-hard Steelers fan who, in a cruel twist of fate, had just purchased a Pride-themed Terrible Towel.

Others were quick to point out the irony of football teams boycotting Pride Nights in the name of “preserving tradition” while simultaneously embracing pink towels during Breast Cancer Awareness Month, military jets flying over stadiums, and beer commercials that use more glitter than a drag show.

“Yeah, nothing says ‘traditional football’ like dressing up in pink every October and paying a guy in a sparkly mascot costume to ride a motorized cart across the field,” quipped @IronCityRealist. “But rainbows? That’s where we draw the line?”

Despite the inevitable backlash, Steelers management remains resolute, convinced that their decision is not only morally sound but somehow in line with the very essence of football. Tomlin even doubled down when questioned further, stating, “Look, the only colors I care about on the field are black and gold. Any other colors are a distraction. And let’s be real here—if it’s got glitter, it’s not football.”

What remains unclear is how exactly the Steelers plan to navigate the practical implications of this boycott. Will they ban Pride merchandise from their stores? Remove any rainbow flags spotted in the stands? Perhaps station an assistant coach at the gates, armed with a rainbow detection device and a firm sense of moral superiority?

The logistics of enforcing such a stance have left many scratching their heads, but if there’s one thing the Steelers are committed to, it’s finding new ways to confuse both their fans and themselves. After all, this is the team that decided Mason Rudolph was a franchise quarterback, so their decision-making skills have always been questionable at best.

With two NFL teams now entrenched in the “anti-Pride” movement, the rest of the league is watching closely, though most seem content to avoid this particular controversy. The San Francisco 49ers, no strangers to progressive stances, issued a statement that was essentially the corporate version of, “Yeah, we’re not touching this.”

Even the Dallas Cowboys, whose owner Jerry Jones is usually first in line for any culture war issue, opted to remain silent on the matter. “We support all our fans,” Jones said, while simultaneously trying to figure out how to pivot the conversation back to how much he loves America.

Meanwhile, the New England Patriots were reportedly so confused by the Steelers’ boycott that they asked Bill Belichick for guidance. After two minutes of brooding silence, Belichick responded, “We’re on to Cincinnati,” and walked out of the room.

While the Steelers and Chiefs continue to position their boycott as a moral stance, many observers are skeptical. Is this really about rainbows and wokeness, or is it just another attempt to distract from the fact that these teams haven’t quite lived up to their former glory?

“I think it’s all a smokescreen,” said sports analyst Donna McMillan. “The Steelers know they’re not Super Bowl contenders this year, so why not shift the conversation to something completely unrelated? If people are talking about rainbows and glitter, they’re not talking about your lackluster offense.”

Whatever the reasoning, one thing is clear: the Steelers are playing a dangerous game. While they may win points with certain segments of their fanbase, they risk alienating others who see this boycott as not only unnecessary but downright ridiculous.

As the Steelers and Chiefs prepare for a season overshadowed by controversy, it’s hard to see how anyone wins in this situation. Fans are divided, the NFL is facing yet another PR headache, and somewhere, a poor marketing intern is frantically trying to figure out how to erase all traces of rainbow merchandise from the team’s online store.

In the end, perhaps the only real winners here are the other NFL teams, who can sit back, enjoy the show, and wonder how on earth two franchises managed to turn a simple gesture of inclusivity into a satanic panic.

As for the rest of us, we’ll just keep our eyes on the field and hope that, one day, we can get back to debating actual football. Until then, stay woke—and watch out for those glitter cannons.